In a nutshell

1.) Kill them all.

No, I'm joking, but I do need to find something for them to do..

First thing, we run around the pitch. That's sorted. Then we stretch our bottom halves, run to the floodlights. Stretch our top halves, run to the scrummage machine.
Get into a circle, then pass the ball from person to person, changing direction quickly. Then pass the ball to the next person and run around the circle in the same direction as the ball, then the opposite direction of the ball.
Get into the square, into two teams to get the girls used to physical contact. Get them to pass the ball to oneanother, no netball passes!
Line up, run forwards and the first person moves to the right to pass backwards on their left or right, they then run to the back. Excellent practice on how to pass backwards.
Grab tackle pads and the tackle cylinder. Get them to tackle the cylinder, spend some time on how to properly tackle things (start with cylinders before people!). Get them to tackle the bags (preferably with me or Jo behind to actually give some resistance) and spend some time on how to tackle the bags (getting closer to actually tackling a person!).
Get three tackle bags, get them to run at them and push for 3. Repeat twice.
Demonstrate how to tackle with Jo (remember gumshields!)Possibly tackle with Heidi too.
Get the girls to walk through a basic tackle with a partner.

If I'm feeling particularly vindictive, I'll throw in some sprints. Especially when they're being annoying.

I went to rugby training yesterday for the first time in what seems like an age. I went to Bourne, as they're trying to set up a girl's rugby team. We had about six kids, which was alright, but it was fucking frustrating trying to get them to actually do anything. Good training for teaching, I guess!
On another note, I don't know whether I should apply straight for a degree that would give me QTS. It cuts a year off my projected time at university, as I wouldn't have to do a PGCE, but I also can't decide whether I'd rather teach secondary or primary. I'm leaning towards secondary at the moment, but I guess the work experience in the primary school that I'm hopefully going to get will help me make up my mind.
In other news: I really want to run away somewhere remote and bleak and windswept so I can actually think about things without getting my head into some sort of scramble and then doing stupid things that I regret afterwards. What I would give to bugger off to university in somewhere like Aberdeen.
I'm in two minds as to whether to go to Hammond's this weekend.. he hasn't exactly been living up to his wonderful reputation recently. We need to have a huge discussion to clear the air, I just hope he'll actually listen to me. I know deep down he probably doesn't mean half the things he does, he just doesn't think. I'm not defending him, but it's hard to see both sides of something if you love someone.

I just made two gorgeous homemade pizzas. I cheated a little and got the bases from Sainsbury's, along with the passata, but I am still very proud :) The one I'm eating at the moment is a chicken, garlic, mozzarella, cheddar and sweetcorn, and the one in the oven is a ham, pineapple, mozzarella, cheddar and sweetcorn. Daym they're good. They also cost me next to nothing.

Bases - £1.09 for two
Passata - (150g used) - 21p
Pineapple pieces (half tin used) - 7p
Chicken breast (half used) - 59p
Mozzarella - 47p
Ham from the deli (one slice used) - 39p
Sweet red pepper (half used) - 39p
I already had the cheddar and sweetcorn in my cupboard.

Overall price - £3.21 for two pizzas. Result :D

I love you but you can be the most irritating man I have ever met.

I understand that Mummy and Daddy paid all of your way whilst you were at uni, but surely you can understand that I have none of that opportunity, and so will therefore be worrying about debt until my (not our) children have gone to university themselves.
I know you've said it doesn't matter, but it matters to the feminist in me that I'll never be your financial (or even social class) equal.
I want my children to have all that I didn't have in life - a stable family, a father than doesn't gamble, drink and smoke his money away, a mother that doesn't have to work her knuckles to the bone to provide for her children in even just the basic ways, a loving, steady, stable family with the money to provide horse riding lessons, for example, or even just family days out places (that aren't just free and the kids aren't taken on them by their father because he's suffering from another bout of not seeing my children guilt).
I know I hate private schooling, but the opportunity to pay for it if the children should so wish would be nice. You've said about having a joint bank account, but I'll always feel bad that I can't pay an equal amount into it. I'll always feel inferior if you pay more of the mortgage than me.
I always feel inferior if you pay more than me, if you spoil me, even if you pay for the meal when we go out, if you buy me a drink, if you treat me to something, if you pay for my bus or my train tickets.
You don't understand this because you've never been in a situation where money has been tight for you, where you don't ask for money because Mum doesn't have any, and when she does, it goes straight for feeding you and for the bills and rent she has to pay.
Your parents gave your brother 17k for his house deposit.. My parents would never be able to pay that (my Mum doesn't even earn that a year), so again I'll feel inferior and your parents would probably look down on me, like they do now. I don't want them to pay anything towards our future, I want to do it ourselves. But I also want to be able to pay for it without the worrying of crippling debt.
I guess you just don't quite understand.

I had a think about stuff today. I don't know if I really want to go back to uni next year, due to my experiences last time... Also, I think I might want to move in with Hammond or something and take my Teaching and Learning Support in Schools NVQs to get some money and some more experience. I can go back to uni when I'm older, when I have a little bit of money and some experience behind me.

Meanwhile, I'm having some serious difficulties picking my university choices... It's between Keele, Newman, Birmingham, Worcester, Oxford Brookes, Huddersfield and Northampton. Huddersfield is very good for Education, but I don't know whether it's too far away. Worcester looks nice, but I think it's too party-centric for my liking, it won 'best party SU' or something similar not so long ago. Keele looks lovely, in the middle of nowhere, near to Stoke and Newcastle which aren't exactly banging but are nice enough in themselves. Newman also looks lovely, and is close enough to Birmingham to give me my city fix, but is far enough away not to have the huge bustling nature of a city. Birmingham itself is far enough away from Birmingham to be quiet, and the campus is gorgeous and green. Oxford Brookes looks very nice, but the accommodation is ridiculously expensive, and they only have one hall that I could actually afford. Northampton does look nice, but it's very disparate and it's a bitch to get to from home.

I think my five will be Keele, Newman, Worcester, Oxford Brookes and Huddersfield, although Worcester and Birmingham could be interchangeable. It would be much easier if we could still have six choices!

If I want to drop out of university because I hate it, I will. If I want to get my nose pierced, I will. If I want to buy a pair of Dr Martens, I will. If I want to reapply for Education and English because I love it, I will. If I don't want to be a speech therapist anymore, that's my decision. If I want to apply for the universities that are best for my course, and I don't want to apply to a stuck-up redbrick, I will. If I want to apply closer to home, that's my decision. If I want to go on the dole to get some money, I will, and I won't see it as an easy way out. I'm going to pay enough tax in my lifetime, so I might as well sponge off the government for a bit. If my Mum is making me pay board, then I'll pay it. It'll teach me that everything is not gifted to me on a silver plate. If I live in a council house, I do because my Dad fucked over my Mum and we can't afford anywhere else. If I choose not to be feminine, I choose it for myself. If I want to dress up once in a while and wear a skirt or a dress, I will, and I won't let any nose piercing stop me. I can take it out should I so wish, I can wear a retainer. If I want to have a long distance relationship because I am mature enough to actually have one, I will. If I want to plan to get married in the future, I will, and I will make sure people understand that it isn't for another ten or so years. If I want to have children as well as having a career, I will. If I want to build a house out of wood with my bare hands with my boyfriend, I will, it'll save us money and a mortgage. If I want to call my children unusual names like Margaux and Isaac, I will. If I want to be a feminist, I will. If I want to make my own decisions, I will. I am a strong woman, and I live in the knowledge that I am not selling my soul for a ridiculous job and therefore making it difficult to have children, one of a woman's basic rights. If I want to bring my children up outside of religion until they're old enough to understand, I will. I am not spoilt, I am not rich, I am not what anyone wants me to be.

I am me.

Over a week back in this place and they've only just hit. I think I've done quite well! I went to Connexions yesterday and got given loads of stuff, some very helpful, some less than helpful... I think it's mainly for kids who don't have many GCSEs and who they don't want to suckle off the government. Which I applied to do today! Joy. I guess it's money though, until I do get a job... which isn't seeminly particularly fruitful. I really do live in a black hole when it comes to anywhere having jobs.. even Peterborough is struggling. All of the youngsters who are going to uni next year have taken the jobs vacated by the ones that went to uni this year!
I have hope for an apprenticeship though, which sounds very useful as work experience. It's around 4 days on the job, teaching in primary and secondary schools, and then a day in college, writing up what I've learnt. At least it'll give me something to do with my day.

I came back to Bourne less than a week ago. I'm already being alienated by the friends I have back here. One of them in particular is all take take take. When I challenged her about this, apparently she was tired and had been at work. Yeah, I'm tired, the world doesn't just revolve around you. Also, I'm not meant to know everything your fucking boyfriend is doing, sorry I forgot he's not here this weekend, but for God's sake, mine lives 90 miles away and we're not having the easiest time of it at the moment, mainly because I have no-one else to tell my problems to.
I'm also fed up of people moaning about how 'fat' they are. If you want to see fat, look in the pages of a trashy magazine, then you'll see fat. I'm overweight, but I don't plaster it all over so that I get sympathy. Also, being skinny isn't the be all and end all of getting a fucking man. Actually having a nice personality kinda wins over whatever you look like. I'm the one that should be feeling insecure, the short, dumpy, bespectacled one being outshone by her tall, beautiful friends, but I get on with it. I accept myself for who I am. I didn't get my boyfriend through being skinny, I got him through being nice.

I think I actually went to a more boring town than Bourne yesterday... my forage into Oakham with the Father and Jane (new girlfriend, a bit weird, Tory, like fox hunting) produced good food, at least. I'm going to see about a job tomorrow, it's in a care home looking after the elderly but at least I'll be doing something that helps other people, rather than going on the dole or selling myself short doing telesales or something. I don't mind old people, at least they'll keep me entertained. I don't even mind wiping their arses, there are worse things I can think of doing. I think I'm also going on the bank staff for Mencap, which should be pretty awesome. People keep asking me whether I'm put off by 'people like that.' Erm, they're just the same as us, they just learn more slowly. So if I am out with the residents, please don't stare at them, else I will have a go.

Urgh. I'm really struggling to sleep at the moment, my brain keeps ticking over and I keep thinking of things that I think I've forgotten. I know I haven't forgotten anything, we had a thorough search and I even took my dustpan and brush. I had a panic last night when I thought I'd forgotten my pink elephant, the toy I've had since I was born, but I found him on the stairs. I'm also panicking that somehow they're going to find my address on some post and come and hunt me down. Now, I don't really think that they're that vindictive, but you never really know.
I'm also panicking that I've chucked my accommodation contract away, and if the house manager does ring today and confirm that I do have to pay a fine, a fact originally passed to me by one of the bitches, so I don't actually know if it is true, I don't have a leg to stand on, other than lying and saying I never actually got a copy. Also, the actual accommodation office haven't said anything about a fine, so he could just be being a knob. If he wants me to pay a fine for damages, I caused none of those damages in that flat, and if he saw my room he'd know it was bloody spotless. I just hope he doesn't give me shit whilst my Mum isn't here to fight my corner. I know I've got good verbal skills, but it's not as though the house manager has listened to me before, when I asked to move he refused because it was too much hassle for him, even after showing me a new flat I could've moved into.
I'm just so glad I'm out of there now.

I've officially dropped out now. Bourne is the same as ever, boring and bland, but incredibly comforting. Slightly annoying when every five seconds you're stopped by someone asking why you're at home and having to explain my reasons about a million times over.
I didn't appreciate the abuse I got from the bitches from hell last night, and definitely didn't like my Mum getting the same, but it's alright, as she threatened to call the police and they've stopped contacting me. Even the other one turned against me yesterday, showing her true back stabbing, bitchy, two-faced colours. They're all as bad as each other, you can't trust anyone 100%. Not even your own boyfriend. Mine apparently 'forgot' he had a Parents Evening tonight.. there's nothing about it on the website, so I reckon he's fucking someone else. Well, maybe it's my imagination, but it isn't the first time he's been secretive about where he is. We had a fairly good conversation last night, but I didn't want to have an argument before bed. Although I think that's what we really need, so he actually knows how I'm feeling. He pisses me off with being so disorganised.. he puts it down the rowdy kids, but I think if he was more organised and had the same routine day in, day out, they'd get much better. He's just so fucking lazy, he doesn't realise how privileged he is.

I have officially withdrawn from Northumbria University. I wouldn't recommend the bloody place to anyone. I have 28 days to leave my accommodation, hopefully ASAP once my Mum contacts me. The flatmates left mouldy chicken outside my door today, I'm going to presume they either thought it was mine (it isn't, I don't cook shit that's covered in Southern Fried breadcrumbs, and I don't shop at ASDA) or that they're being fucking vindictive and malicious, the bitches. I think the lounge is finally tidy.. at least I'm hoping so.
It would be so good if I could leave pretty quickly.. :)

I find out tomorrow whether it's possible for me to transfer to Keele, to do English and Education. I hate Northumbria. I hate the course, the way it's taught, the only lecture in which I actually learn something is the one I like the least, I'm not as enamoured with Newcastle as I originally thought I was, and (I'm ashamed to say) I want to be nearer home, so that I have the luxury of hopping onto a train should I want some home comforts.
I blame this on one person. I know I was stupid to follow him here, and I know I was stupid to believe his lying words. He's pretty much fucked up my fresh start. I saw him yesterday, swanning around Northumbria's campus on his way to Wang's, the fucking smug git. I hate him. He doesn't deserve what he has in life, he'll never use it.
I hope Keele are forthcoming tomorrow.. the course sounds just what I want, and there's many options to take modules from other courses too, to make up the credits you need. It's much more flexible, and I can truly realise what I actually want to do. The campus is gorgeous, and it isn't too far from Stoke or the other Newcastle if I want a city fix.
I'm feeling so much better now that I know there is the possibility, even if I have to move back home and apply again next year.

And I don't know what to do about it. I think everything is pointless and I struggle to get up in the mornings. I'm supposed to be finding things to look forward to, but I can't even look forward to Hammond coming because of the bitches in the flat's remarks yesterday.. I'm going to be on eggshells all week. Hammond doesn't care but he doesn't quite get what it's like living here with those two ruling the roost. I cannot wait until I can move out of here... I love the flat, I just hate those two. And I don't exactly make a secret of it either. What I really want is to get this year over with, to move out into a flat with Hammond. This isn't exactly likely, so I'll settle for a flat with some lovely people who aren't going to hate me and make me feel like a piece of shit on their shoe. I know I'm better than them, and I'm doing a decent degree with some employability prospects, but it's hard to keep thinking that when they're grinding me down.

Illegitimi non carborundum. I should have that tattooed on me.

I wish I'd gone to Sheffield, rather than being stupid and following a man who I thought loved me.

The bitches of Huddersfield and Redcar have decided that Niall being here next week is 'excessive.' Apparently Leah is staying at home for a week because she doesn't want to be here whilst he is. Excuse me, but you stayed here whilst Jess's ex was being violent towards her... At least I know he isn't going to be violent towards me! It's one of the only times I get to see Niall, as he is a 3.5 hour train ride away and we both can't be doing that every weekend, as it costs money. Just because your parents can come and get you, I don't have that priviledge. Clearly I'm not allowed to be happy, and I'm being ruled by bitches in this flat. Clearly to make you happy I shouldn't get to be with the man I have a mature relationship with, I should shag around like you two.

I'm sure some people weren't brought up with manners. It's irritating living on a floor with a flat of pubescent boys that the two flatmates I hate seem to find absolutely irresistible. They're singing Hey Jude at the tops of their voices and banging into everything, plus shouting at each other when they could just talk to them normally. I actually like to sleep, unlike the bitches I live with who end up sleeping in until 1pm. I don't have the liberty to do this, and neither does Liv,  we're doing a proper university courses, not ones that involves titting around Newcastle in a giant tomato costume or making clothes.
I can't wait until I move away from the city centre, where there is seemingly no silence, into somewhere like Heaton, which I know is quiet. Just somewhere that isn't Byker and isn't in the city centre would do me fine. There's no wonder I'm feeling like shit if this is what my nights are like. I don't exactly sleep well at the best of times.
Earplugs at the ready...

Weekends are really strange for students.. I was home alone this weekend as all of my flatmates had gone home, and two of them are still there, presumably. Yesterday I went to see Up at the cinema with Arte and Pawel.. It was such a good film! Really quite sad in places but lovely and heartwarming. Definitely a must see for everyone, even in 2D. Then we ended up mooching around town until 6pm, and I came home, at a bit of a loose end. Ended up getting a takeaway that I had to force down myself.. I just don't seem to have much of an appetite recently, especially at night. It means my food is lasting for ages though! Today I've just mooched around the flat, went out to buy a magazine and a codeword book to keep me occupied, and then went to register at the library. I rented three books out of there, and I've already finished one!
I have a counselling appointment with the uni tomorrow at 11am, which should be interesting.. Drama Society has now been moved to Mondays, so I'm finally free to go to Debate Society on a Tuesday!
One of my flatmates is back now, the one I like the least. It seems as though her parents think the sun shines out of her arse, despite her tendency to be the biggest bitch in the universe. Her mother can be intolerable, apparently she was already on the phone before Jess had even got her results checking that the accommodation was only the best for her darling girl. She left all her washing up over the weekend, and I refused to do it out of principle, so she'd better tidy up tonight.
She makes me feel inferior, because everytime she comes back home, she's instantly popular, and therefore our flat is yet again invaded by the men from next door, being loud and irritating. Also with four of her female friends.. wtf? She's been back five minutes. Clearly slags are the people everyone wants to be friends with at this particular university. Apparently she's brought new curtains too because Mummy and Daddy didn't like the old ones.. aww diddums. Everyone else has to cope with them.
I also need to find something for tea.. I have a feeling it'll be chicken, the only meat I ever eat whilst I'm here. I could very easily become a vegetarian, but whilst the meat from the Grainger Market is 12 chicken breasts for £5, from a reputable source and free range, I think the changeover won't come just yet. Sometimes I wish I liked fresh fish, but I wouldn't really know how to cook it and I don't trust my flatmates not to poke a hole in it or something.

1.) I have the actual cold of actual death and I feel like I've been chewed up and spat back out by an angry lion.
2.) I have sorted a meeting with the mental health practitioner on Monday at 11am.
3.) I have a meeting with my GP at 10.20am on Wednesday.
4.) Today I went to the nurse about my contraception and because my BMI is over 30 (I'm 4ft fucking 10, what more do you want from me?) I am now being changed to a different type of pill... ONE THAT MAKES YOU PUT ON MORE WEIGHT... Surely this doesn't make sense? More lovely side effects are lowered libido (Sorry Hammond), nausea and acne. I really wanted my acne to come back when I'd stopped being a teenager.

On the plus side, I'm going to the cinema tomorrow with Arte and Polish Paul to see Up :D

Apparently we have a flat meeting tonight. I know what it's about. It's about my food in the kitchen and how it takes up too much room. They haven't complained before, and there is no evidence of them not having room for things. But hey, I suppose I'll have to move my stuff to cater for the bitches, as usual. I think I've formulated a plan.. Take the saucepans out of the small cupboard, stack the food in one half of a cupboard (I won't actually have any room after I've done this!) and take the crockery out of the smaller cupboard and add to the saucepans. So I will have one double cupboard, full to the brim and I won't have enough fucking room then!
 I'm already reluctant to go into the kitchen because they apparently don't like the fact I actually cook.
I'm really not happy. I woke up today in a low, the first one I've had since October 2007. I scared myself. I registered at the Doctors, and I have to make an appointment in 3 days time. And I'm going back to Student Services tomorrow to see an advisor and what they can do for me.

But hey. A longer post is definitely required soon, as was suggested by one of my friends who is helping me through this crap. I'm off to meet one of my lovely Drama friends before Drama in a minute, just to talk stuff through about how my head is feeling. And maybe to eat pizza and drink Coca-Cola :D